How To Play A Narcissist At Their Own Game

Can I really win? 

Yes, the presupposition is actually correct. Can you really win? How to play the game? The reason being, the only way you can defeat a narcissist is purely with that frame of mind. This is because that's all their egocentric personality process focuses upon; winning people over, draining people emotionally.

Have you ever met somebody who's dazzlingly charming yet over time begins to drain on your energy? Perhaps even bullies you, your finances? Have you ever met somebody who you feel is consistently lying to you? Have you ever been friends with somebody who literally entrenches their opinion on you and if you don't accept it, they get aggressive? Have you been around somebody who makes comments like "You don't love me anymore"; "That makes me sad"; "Whatever" when you set boundaries or start some form of dialogue which they dislike? They try and avoid their emotion and deflect it by making themselves the victim and pushing blame onto you.

This is because of their ego. It filters only concepts they feel works for them. You'd expect this from a child or a developing teenager; because of course, we have all been there and been that way.

The problem however, is the broken ideas and communications that are pushed onto us by parents, by friends, by exes and by the people around us. Especially, the authorities. The problem is, these Narcissists don't snap out of it!

Narcissists target the weak! And if you aren't weak, they will try and manipulate you intellectually. The reason why they are so good at their egocentric "force games" and the reason why they usually end up on top, is simply because they believe in their expectancy, their grandiose, their power so much that they focus on it obsessively in their mind which means when they communicate, it comes across so bluntly and passionately. They are the ultimate manipulators.

Now, in my last blog post, you may have read about Old-school Persuasion. And you may be wondering, why would somebody write a post about persuasion and then narcissism? Surely, isn't that exactly what they are doing? Isn't that bad?

Yes, they are doing that; and to some extent, using their instincts to use good communication but there is a fundamental difference between the two; the intention is the difference. With persuasion, you have an ethical, moral, maybe even spiritual process of "I want a win/win but I do deserve what I want". You don't want to drain somebody, you don't want to bully them, you don't want to take their finances and you definitely don't want to pathologically lie to them so you can get what you desire.

Narcissism in a nutshell is belief without compassion (along with lots of insecurity and egocentric behaviour). They're psychologically incapable of feeling empathy for the people they trick and lie too. There are some lower levels of narcissism, these people may be called energy vampires (in the manipulator section). But, they are still just as bad!

How can you beat the narcissist at their own game?  First, you establish that is exactly what this is - a game. It's a game for them. It's in a reality. You have to realise, you're the person in reality and they're playing a game. That leads you to question one element, why do you even need to be around them at all? Nobody is forcing you too.

If you would like a quick and easy guide to clearing this type of person from your life, then the bullet points are listed below.

1. Avoid them
2. Set strong boundaries
3. Be assertive

Narcissists are less interested in people who seem emotionally aware, in which avoid them, set boundaries and are assertive. This is because they feel, almost threatened, but challenged and that means they can't get what they want. The way you deal with narcissists is treating them like a child. You avoid their tantrums, you set strong boundaries and are assertive.

However, there is an Art Form of working your magic in relation to playing the Game

The Context of Helping Someone Else

This absolute artform is by identifying their traits, noticing what they need and want. They will play the superficial game of giving back, if you can promote yourself into their lives in such a way that gets them what they want. And because of who they are, they can really get into other peoples heads, which can open doors for you.

You can use their narcissism to your advantage, making you the ultimate trickster. Giving them gifts, complimenting them, agreeing with them whilst keeping a mildly important distance can really benefit you.

On the other hand, you could set out to completely destroy their lives. Focus on the people they are draining, harming and use your Old-school Persuasion to build rapport with that person also; and embed suggestions and commands into that persons mind. Slowly, get that narcissist a reputation and help the victims become empowered.

This of course all depends on your moral compass, but if you feel like your friends, family or colleagues at work are being emotionally or financially drained, manipulated or bullied by somebody like this, you can play the game by filtering yourself into their lives and sorting it out covertly.

Step 1 - Call the problem out!

Tell your friend/loved one exactly what they are telling you, but exaggerated. And tell them, it's unacceptable for them to be continuing with the relationship.

Step 2 - Befriend the Narcissist!

Gather information, listen to them. Notice how they structure sentences, how they avoid problems; you can be talking to the other person and gathering the facts, whilst knowing the Narcissist is lying to you.

Perhaps you get some perspective, get some leverage on them. Seed suggestions into their minds, by trying to tell stories about times you were emphatic, understanding. Be as covert as you can be. You'll be charming too, smiling, touching their arm but setting the boundary of not getting too close. This would work perfectly at work.

Step 3 - Call them Narcissist!

Discuss with your friend how their behaviour is Narcissistic. And remember the Old-School Persuasion blog? USE hot-words! Of course, you don't want to label any person who's negative or any person who's trying to get what they want (because to some extend we all do) as one, but look at the specific characteristics and call them it to the victims!

Step  4 - Boundaries!

Teach the victims boundaries and set boundaries with the Narcissist. Slowly, as time goes on, people will realise they need to stay away; and when that Narcissist realises that people are avoiding them, they may have no clue (and if done correctly, they wont have any clue) it's to do with you and will probably leave the circle of friends, the job and so on. To continue their projects elsewhere!

What you must ensure you do, is not to get into a one-to-one with them about the problems they are facing; or they will rope you into double-standards. Set firm boundaries, avoid the talks and slowly, covertly and fundamentally end them.

Based on real events. 

Twitter: @ThatsCorey
ThatsCorey.blogspot.co.uk 

Old School Persuasion that is Hot and Ready!

Old-School Persuasion 

As you can imagine, over the years there have been clips on television and online with a variety of different personalities, TV figures and politicians. Everything you can think of from game show hosts, to "I'm A Celebrity Get Me 'Outta Here" contestants to the very charming Barack Obama 2004-2008 speeches. 

All of these people infuse themselves with (consciously and unconsciously) the process of persuasion. This persuasion is at a level, beyond none ever seen. This is because they all have their own niché, their own personality, their own actions and own communication styles. And of course, different people resonate with certain other similar personalities. 

If you were to dissect and analyse a simple structure to enforce upon yourself, for persuasion, you could go with the basic nine. These basic nine points are something you can do, without actually doing them consciously. They are so easy to digest, so simple to understand; that your subconscious mind can do them, with little effort, with little practice. And they work!

They are taken from different analytics, different ideas and different people; even if they didn't know them. They are the nine techniques of Old School Persuasion and they most certainly are, HOT and READY.

As you read the nine basic points, realise WHY you would want to persuade somebody and WHY doing it ethically is important, along with creating the actor inside you -- remember also, these are context dependent; so not every person you meet will have a dazzling conversation with you but these are developed and processed and have worked for two years, within contexts, to better myself (and others) in social situations which create an image (but behind the scenes, more is at play). 

1. Play Dumb.

Has anybody ever watched the detective shows where over time, the detectives marvellously collect their information, dissecting it, analysing it and finally come to an interesting solution (usually accurate)? As you watch the show, smiling to yourself and knowing "they already know the suspect", yet the detective continues (ever so slyly) to collect more and more information, pretending to not know the answer. Playing dumb, pretending to not understand; building rapport with people. 

This is a great technique and one that works. You basically hold back information, you don't need to blurt out information every ten seconds; you're smart, you're sophisticated, you listen. You can play dumb overtly or play dumb covertly. You can do this by asking questions or pretending to not fully understand what that person is saying. This is a great method for not getting into heated-debates, to avoid narcissists and to insert suggestions into people's minds (with the right contexts).  Tip: Purposefully slow down your speech sometimes, be quieter, pretend you don't understand and look away now and again. Appear nonintellectual, with certain people. 

2. Belief. 

President Kennedy was once asked how he was going to get man on the moon, Kennedy replied "The will to do it". In a nutshell, that is what you need in your mind and your communication. This method is accepted as true by many famous millionaires and billionaires. They all have a subconscious competence about them, even if they do not appear to be intellectual in academic ways. In particular, Donald Trump (President Elect 2016) is one of them; they have a consistent belief, almost an expectation completely and utterly that they will end up on top. This has lead to many failures, because of their complete belief, sometimes delusional, but in the long-term it ended up with some marvellous transactions of business and relationships (ones, even the haters long for).

This is processed in terms of two fundamentals. 1. Your Mind and 2. Your Assertion. You have to completely believe something OR at least come across as you do. You can do this by mind training activities, rehearsal or in speech, by your tonality.

Belief about what, you may ask? The belief system of "I can persuade them and I will". 

3. Hot-Words.

Have you ever clicked open THAT can of soda and noticed the sensation, as it pops, along with the sound? That is a very unique sensation to the soda/energy drink. This is the same with hot-words, you make your hot-words context dependent but they click into action for you and for the other person.

You can use words such as "Imagine", "Now", "Empowering"; or in the negative context, "Maniac", "Sinister" or even "Alarmbells". These hot-words are mainly used in politics. If you were to go back and watch the Brexit debates, the ex-leader of the UKIP party would use fundamentals like these to bring an end to the point he was making (with the correct tonality in relation to the point made).

Apart of a Speech during a European Union interaction with Nigel Farage went something like this "You can continue to ignore the markets but in time the markets will NOT ignore you"; and the same goes for the actual Brexit debates themselves. If you go back to the Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage debates, you will see Hot Words used to trigger unconscious emotions in people. And that is usually why, people see Nigel Farage as marmite. You either love him or hate him. 

In relation to every day activity, you can be a little less political of course and go with well developed structural language patterns. These types of hot words are to invoke an emotion in somebody, in relation to a certain outcome.

These can be used to make a point, build rapport or lead somebody to believe something. An example of this could be, say your friend was talking to you about how their doctors appointment didn't go very well, because their doctor wasn't listening to them. You could completely exaggerate the point, in agreement with them with a statement like "It sounds like that the situation was complete lunacy and your doctor, quite frankly, who isn't anymore, is a complete and utter maniac. I feel like you deserve better than this. I don't understand, I really just, I can't understand why they didn't listen". Of course, it's blown out  of complete proportion, but that is the point.

And you'll build greater rapport with them. You can read that and choose what you feel are the hot-words for you and you can emphasise them in your speech. As you read it, you may not feel like you can say something like that, but actually analyse how you speak anyway; you'll be surprised that yourself and many others speak similar! 

4. Empathy/Understanding.

Over the years, many authors and scientists and philosophers believed that Empathy was the one emotional connection somebody could have, which would bring an opening to complete universal love and prosperity. If you can understand somebodies situation logically AND THEN emotionally involve yourself, in relation to caring, that usually develops very good rapport. 

By identifying people's emotional needs through what they are saying, you can establish very successful relationships. Of course, you have to show this through your communication. 

5. Gifts. 

This is the oldest trick in the book -- if you give, people usually reciprocate. The difference now is, you have to try and make it seem as if you are not manipulating them. And of course, you aren't trying to do that; if you're trying to do that, then this article isn't for you.

It's about persuasion. The reason it isn't complete manipulation, is because it isn't about a sinister intention. You actually DO want a good relationship and you want WIN/WINS (you want them to be happy also).

But, if you are wanting to connect better with people; buy them gifts, give them small gestures of fortune and do not expect anything back. In time, it will be given back (when you least expect it).

6. Break Eye Contact.

As you talk to somebody, if you were to break eye-contact with them and then re-join the eye-contact and then break it again; keeping this up, you establish an unconscious bond which is normality and the person begins to feel safe with thinking around you, without being alerted by their survival mechanism. This is also used by very successful communicators, who want people to follow their lead.

If you can break eye contact, it means you don't need that person; meaning, you have the resources. But, do this accurately, you don't want to come across as too submissive or as if you don't like the person (but sometimes, that can come in handy too -- definitely links to #1). 

7. High Fives. 

When studying rapport, scientists found that haptics in a professional way (a professional physical interaction) was positive and strengthened the rapport. This brings trust, safety and warmth into the person you are communicating with. This does depend on where you are, culturally and obviously, you need to be professional about it. High-Fives are the best way, it's like an "I already know you, WELL DONE" hand shake. 

It also connects to a Pavlovian Conditioning Response theory, where you positively reinforce the person for good work; if that's what you are using it for. 

8. Questions.

Just like the little mouse, gathering their nuts and fruits for the winter; you want to be the person who gathers information properly. Ask questions! And ask reframing questions. Not only will you gather information and challenge people covertly, you will stay in assertion and charge. This is a great tool for gathering accurate facts and opinions from people; keeps you up to date with what people believe. It also shows you're not into just blurting anything out, you want to get to know them, you care.

Asking questions, which connect to what the person is speaking about, shows a high level of emotional intellect and maturity. This does matter! 

9. Own Views.

Along with all this, you must insert your own views in a non-aggressive way. This establishes YOU as an individual and that's what matters here. Become authentic, know who you are and study material you like. Once you've done that, surround yourself with like minded people; or go out and socialise. You can always learn more and maybe, if you know something somebody else doesn't . . . You can teach them!

These are the nine basic bullet points for Old School Persuasion . . . These are taken over the years from several books, interactions with people and viewings of politicians online. These are the nine I use, without even thinking (but once analysed, I realised that is what I do) and they've been working for me ever since.

There is more . . . And a lot of this is to do with Belief on a subconscious level . . . But, these are the nine that are used, to a successful extent!

Remember these nine and you can improve your communication; and remember, as Milton Erickson once said "And my voice will go with you". 

Twitter: @ThatsCorey
Blog: https://www.thatscorey.blogspot.co.uk