The Freebie of Child-Free. The Inner Tales of an Unfruitful Womb!

Why You're Miserable and She's Not! 

A simple truthful blog-post about the inner ramblings of a depressed women, who doesn't have children and really wants them-- YEAH RIGHT! Engage and tune in, whilst reading this insightful, mini-blog about a lady in her 30's, happy still, with an unfruitful womb.

At one point in time I thought I was a rare breed. Quite frankly so did my mother. I think she still does.

As a married, childfree woman in my 30s I’m constantly reminded that I’ve chosen an “alternative” or “unconventional” lifestyle. And before we go any further, let me just state for the record that I hate when people say that. I don’t live in yurt on the side of mountain, shunning modern technology and foraging my own food. I’ve simply chosen not to have children. I know, I know. Insert gasp here.

While we’re on the topic of things I detest as they relate my childfree status, I hate when people tell me I’ll change my mind. There are so many things wrong with that statement I just don’t know where to begin. Why does someone get to tell me how I will feel? To add insult to injury, they always say it with a knowing smile, as if I’m just deluding myself into thinking I’ll remain childfree and they can’t wait to say they told me so once I pop out a tot or two of my own.

I can tell you what I feel today. Today I feel fulfilled. While others may find that in having children, I’ve found that in my husband, my family, my friends, and my work –both of the gainful employment variety as well as volunteering. Having someone suggest they know how I will feel is insulting. As I have said many times, I have given more thought to not having children than most people do who have them. I assure you –I didn’t wake up one morning and hit the snooze button on my biological clock. I’ve spent years hearing that not-so-gentle alarm (that sounds suspiciously like my mother) and willing myself want kids; after all, time was running out.

And one day I realized I can’t make myself want something. I can’t make a square peg fit into a round hole. 

My life wasn’t missing anything … and kids are not an impulse a buy.

Before you ask, no, I don’t hate children. I’m not barren, I don’t have some horrible hereditary disease, and I don’t harbor a secret dream to own a cat sanctuary (okay, well maybe that last one is slight fib.) My husband and I decided some time ago that having kids wasn’t something that we needed out of our life. And if you don’t want children with your whole heart, why would why do that to them? Why would you do that to yourself?

My mother will occasionally tell me how pretty our little girl would be; curly red ringlets with eyelashes for miles. How my son could be named after my father and have my husband’s even temperament (because that would undoubtedly be better that mine, which is best described a bottle rocket.) Of course when that doesn’t work she’ll tell me I’m being selfish –how she waited her whole adult life to be grandmother and I’m depriving her of what all her friends have. Yeah, I still can’t work out how this makes me selfish either. Of all the things I expected to be called when we made the decision to be childfree, selfish wasn’t one of them.

Isn’t selfishness fundamentally about being unconcerned with the consequences of your actions?

 If living a lifestyle where my husband and I can comfortably take care of ourselves –where we can live in our own home, drive nice vehicles, enjoy vacations, and still save and plan for the future –then yes, you bet. Damn straight we’re selfish. While we may not share the same responsibilities as parents, we still have them. Just because we can go out to dinner on a Saturday night and not worry about finding a babysitter or fret that we’re spending little Johnny’s lunch money, doesn’t make us selfish. It makes us honest about who we are and what we want.

I would have never guessed that in 2017, with all the other things going on in the world –things of far greater importance than whether or not a woman has decided to procreate –would be such a hot topic or generate so much negative commentary. But the expectation persists. The judgements and assumptions are nothing short of an onslaught. 

Why everyone from my great aunt Beverly to people I meet at parties are so concerned about the empty state of my uterus, is beyond me. Why do people care? Why are they so invested in my parental status?

Perhaps you think I’m being dramatic, but think about it. When was the last time you heard someone say they don’t plan to have children and the conversation ends there? I’m going out on a limb and say never. 

You’re practically parading an injured lamb in front of a hungry lion. People will pounce at the opportunity tell you how you’ll change your mind or pepper you with questions, like, who will take care of your when you’re old; or inform you that you can’t possible know what true love is until you have children. When that gets tiring, they’ll assume you have tons of time, millions of expendable dollars, and sleep in every weekend. Every time you take a trip or buy something for yourself, you’re labelled as self-absorbed or materialistic. Basically, it’s a no-win situation.

But so what? What if all that is true? Does that make me any more prepared to care for a child now? Nope. Not even a little.

Almost all of my friends have kids. Of those that don’t, they’re either currently expecting a delivery from the stork or are trying desperately to flag that winged sucker down; and I’m the only person in my immediate circle of co-workers that’s child-free. So perhaps yes, I am in fact rare breed. Not necessarily unconventional, but maybe a little nontraditional. And that’s okay. 

I’m not looking to change the world. I’m just encouraging the child-bearing world to take a little breath … and get the hell out of my uterus.

Bio: Hello from the Pine Tree State of Maine, USA. I'm your average married, thirty-something woman fighting every inclination to become a stereotypical crazy cat lady. I've been navigating the childfree landscape for a few years now (much to my mother's dismay) and recently started offering my thoughts and insights on my Twitter page. -- @unfruitfulwomb. Follow me there!

So, there we have it . . . The Truth!


@ThatsCorey
thatscorey@blogspot.co.uk

How To Play A Narcissist At Their Own Game

Can I really win? 

Yes, the presupposition is actually correct. Can you really win? How to play the game? The reason being, the only way you can defeat a narcissist is purely with that frame of mind. This is because that's all their egocentric personality process focuses upon; winning people over, draining people emotionally.

Have you ever met somebody who's dazzlingly charming yet over time begins to drain on your energy? Perhaps even bullies you, your finances? Have you ever met somebody who you feel is consistently lying to you? Have you ever been friends with somebody who literally entrenches their opinion on you and if you don't accept it, they get aggressive? Have you been around somebody who makes comments like "You don't love me anymore"; "That makes me sad"; "Whatever" when you set boundaries or start some form of dialogue which they dislike? They try and avoid their emotion and deflect it by making themselves the victim and pushing blame onto you.

This is because of their ego. It filters only concepts they feel works for them. You'd expect this from a child or a developing teenager; because of course, we have all been there and been that way.

The problem however, is the broken ideas and communications that are pushed onto us by parents, by friends, by exes and by the people around us. Especially, the authorities. The problem is, these Narcissists don't snap out of it!

Narcissists target the weak! And if you aren't weak, they will try and manipulate you intellectually. The reason why they are so good at their egocentric "force games" and the reason why they usually end up on top, is simply because they believe in their expectancy, their grandiose, their power so much that they focus on it obsessively in their mind which means when they communicate, it comes across so bluntly and passionately. They are the ultimate manipulators.

Now, in my last blog post, you may have read about Old-school Persuasion. And you may be wondering, why would somebody write a post about persuasion and then narcissism? Surely, isn't that exactly what they are doing? Isn't that bad?

Yes, they are doing that; and to some extent, using their instincts to use good communication but there is a fundamental difference between the two; the intention is the difference. With persuasion, you have an ethical, moral, maybe even spiritual process of "I want a win/win but I do deserve what I want". You don't want to drain somebody, you don't want to bully them, you don't want to take their finances and you definitely don't want to pathologically lie to them so you can get what you desire.

Narcissism in a nutshell is belief without compassion (along with lots of insecurity and egocentric behaviour). They're psychologically incapable of feeling empathy for the people they trick and lie too. There are some lower levels of narcissism, these people may be called energy vampires (in the manipulator section). But, they are still just as bad!

How can you beat the narcissist at their own game?  First, you establish that is exactly what this is - a game. It's a game for them. It's in a reality. You have to realise, you're the person in reality and they're playing a game. That leads you to question one element, why do you even need to be around them at all? Nobody is forcing you too.

If you would like a quick and easy guide to clearing this type of person from your life, then the bullet points are listed below.

1. Avoid them
2. Set strong boundaries
3. Be assertive

Narcissists are less interested in people who seem emotionally aware, in which avoid them, set boundaries and are assertive. This is because they feel, almost threatened, but challenged and that means they can't get what they want. The way you deal with narcissists is treating them like a child. You avoid their tantrums, you set strong boundaries and are assertive.

However, there is an Art Form of working your magic in relation to playing the Game

The Context of Helping Someone Else

This absolute artform is by identifying their traits, noticing what they need and want. They will play the superficial game of giving back, if you can promote yourself into their lives in such a way that gets them what they want. And because of who they are, they can really get into other peoples heads, which can open doors for you.

You can use their narcissism to your advantage, making you the ultimate trickster. Giving them gifts, complimenting them, agreeing with them whilst keeping a mildly important distance can really benefit you.

On the other hand, you could set out to completely destroy their lives. Focus on the people they are draining, harming and use your Old-school Persuasion to build rapport with that person also; and embed suggestions and commands into that persons mind. Slowly, get that narcissist a reputation and help the victims become empowered.

This of course all depends on your moral compass, but if you feel like your friends, family or colleagues at work are being emotionally or financially drained, manipulated or bullied by somebody like this, you can play the game by filtering yourself into their lives and sorting it out covertly.

Step 1 - Call the problem out!

Tell your friend/loved one exactly what they are telling you, but exaggerated. And tell them, it's unacceptable for them to be continuing with the relationship.

Step 2 - Befriend the Narcissist!

Gather information, listen to them. Notice how they structure sentences, how they avoid problems; you can be talking to the other person and gathering the facts, whilst knowing the Narcissist is lying to you.

Perhaps you get some perspective, get some leverage on them. Seed suggestions into their minds, by trying to tell stories about times you were emphatic, understanding. Be as covert as you can be. You'll be charming too, smiling, touching their arm but setting the boundary of not getting too close. This would work perfectly at work.

Step 3 - Call them Narcissist!

Discuss with your friend how their behaviour is Narcissistic. And remember the Old-School Persuasion blog? USE hot-words! Of course, you don't want to label any person who's negative or any person who's trying to get what they want (because to some extend we all do) as one, but look at the specific characteristics and call them it to the victims!

Step  4 - Boundaries!

Teach the victims boundaries and set boundaries with the Narcissist. Slowly, as time goes on, people will realise they need to stay away; and when that Narcissist realises that people are avoiding them, they may have no clue (and if done correctly, they wont have any clue) it's to do with you and will probably leave the circle of friends, the job and so on. To continue their projects elsewhere!

What you must ensure you do, is not to get into a one-to-one with them about the problems they are facing; or they will rope you into double-standards. Set firm boundaries, avoid the talks and slowly, covertly and fundamentally end them.

Based on real events. 

Twitter: @ThatsCorey
ThatsCorey.blogspot.co.uk