The Freebie of Child-Free. The Inner Tales of an Unfruitful Womb!

Why You're Miserable and She's Not! 

A simple truthful blog-post about the inner ramblings of a depressed women, who doesn't have children and really wants them-- YEAH RIGHT! Engage and tune in, whilst reading this insightful, mini-blog about a lady in her 30's, happy still, with an unfruitful womb.

At one point in time I thought I was a rare breed. Quite frankly so did my mother. I think she still does.

As a married, childfree woman in my 30s I’m constantly reminded that I’ve chosen an “alternative” or “unconventional” lifestyle. And before we go any further, let me just state for the record that I hate when people say that. I don’t live in yurt on the side of mountain, shunning modern technology and foraging my own food. I’ve simply chosen not to have children. I know, I know. Insert gasp here.

While we’re on the topic of things I detest as they relate my childfree status, I hate when people tell me I’ll change my mind. There are so many things wrong with that statement I just don’t know where to begin. Why does someone get to tell me how I will feel? To add insult to injury, they always say it with a knowing smile, as if I’m just deluding myself into thinking I’ll remain childfree and they can’t wait to say they told me so once I pop out a tot or two of my own.

I can tell you what I feel today. Today I feel fulfilled. While others may find that in having children, I’ve found that in my husband, my family, my friends, and my work –both of the gainful employment variety as well as volunteering. Having someone suggest they know how I will feel is insulting. As I have said many times, I have given more thought to not having children than most people do who have them. I assure you –I didn’t wake up one morning and hit the snooze button on my biological clock. I’ve spent years hearing that not-so-gentle alarm (that sounds suspiciously like my mother) and willing myself want kids; after all, time was running out.

And one day I realized I can’t make myself want something. I can’t make a square peg fit into a round hole. 

My life wasn’t missing anything … and kids are not an impulse a buy.

Before you ask, no, I don’t hate children. I’m not barren, I don’t have some horrible hereditary disease, and I don’t harbor a secret dream to own a cat sanctuary (okay, well maybe that last one is slight fib.) My husband and I decided some time ago that having kids wasn’t something that we needed out of our life. And if you don’t want children with your whole heart, why would why do that to them? Why would you do that to yourself?

My mother will occasionally tell me how pretty our little girl would be; curly red ringlets with eyelashes for miles. How my son could be named after my father and have my husband’s even temperament (because that would undoubtedly be better that mine, which is best described a bottle rocket.) Of course when that doesn’t work she’ll tell me I’m being selfish –how she waited her whole adult life to be grandmother and I’m depriving her of what all her friends have. Yeah, I still can’t work out how this makes me selfish either. Of all the things I expected to be called when we made the decision to be childfree, selfish wasn’t one of them.

Isn’t selfishness fundamentally about being unconcerned with the consequences of your actions?

 If living a lifestyle where my husband and I can comfortably take care of ourselves –where we can live in our own home, drive nice vehicles, enjoy vacations, and still save and plan for the future –then yes, you bet. Damn straight we’re selfish. While we may not share the same responsibilities as parents, we still have them. Just because we can go out to dinner on a Saturday night and not worry about finding a babysitter or fret that we’re spending little Johnny’s lunch money, doesn’t make us selfish. It makes us honest about who we are and what we want.

I would have never guessed that in 2017, with all the other things going on in the world –things of far greater importance than whether or not a woman has decided to procreate –would be such a hot topic or generate so much negative commentary. But the expectation persists. The judgements and assumptions are nothing short of an onslaught. 

Why everyone from my great aunt Beverly to people I meet at parties are so concerned about the empty state of my uterus, is beyond me. Why do people care? Why are they so invested in my parental status?

Perhaps you think I’m being dramatic, but think about it. When was the last time you heard someone say they don’t plan to have children and the conversation ends there? I’m going out on a limb and say never. 

You’re practically parading an injured lamb in front of a hungry lion. People will pounce at the opportunity tell you how you’ll change your mind or pepper you with questions, like, who will take care of your when you’re old; or inform you that you can’t possible know what true love is until you have children. When that gets tiring, they’ll assume you have tons of time, millions of expendable dollars, and sleep in every weekend. Every time you take a trip or buy something for yourself, you’re labelled as self-absorbed or materialistic. Basically, it’s a no-win situation.

But so what? What if all that is true? Does that make me any more prepared to care for a child now? Nope. Not even a little.

Almost all of my friends have kids. Of those that don’t, they’re either currently expecting a delivery from the stork or are trying desperately to flag that winged sucker down; and I’m the only person in my immediate circle of co-workers that’s child-free. So perhaps yes, I am in fact rare breed. Not necessarily unconventional, but maybe a little nontraditional. And that’s okay. 

I’m not looking to change the world. I’m just encouraging the child-bearing world to take a little breath … and get the hell out of my uterus.

Bio: Hello from the Pine Tree State of Maine, USA. I'm your average married, thirty-something woman fighting every inclination to become a stereotypical crazy cat lady. I've been navigating the childfree landscape for a few years now (much to my mother's dismay) and recently started offering my thoughts and insights on my Twitter page. -- @unfruitfulwomb. Follow me there!

So, there we have it . . . The Truth!


@ThatsCorey
thatscorey@blogspot.co.uk

Old School Persuasion that is Hot and Ready!

Old-School Persuasion 

As you can imagine, over the years there have been clips on television and online with a variety of different personalities, TV figures and politicians. Everything you can think of from game show hosts, to "I'm A Celebrity Get Me 'Outta Here" contestants to the very charming Barack Obama 2004-2008 speeches. 

All of these people infuse themselves with (consciously and unconsciously) the process of persuasion. This persuasion is at a level, beyond none ever seen. This is because they all have their own niché, their own personality, their own actions and own communication styles. And of course, different people resonate with certain other similar personalities. 

If you were to dissect and analyse a simple structure to enforce upon yourself, for persuasion, you could go with the basic nine. These basic nine points are something you can do, without actually doing them consciously. They are so easy to digest, so simple to understand; that your subconscious mind can do them, with little effort, with little practice. And they work!

They are taken from different analytics, different ideas and different people; even if they didn't know them. They are the nine techniques of Old School Persuasion and they most certainly are, HOT and READY.

As you read the nine basic points, realise WHY you would want to persuade somebody and WHY doing it ethically is important, along with creating the actor inside you -- remember also, these are context dependent; so not every person you meet will have a dazzling conversation with you but these are developed and processed and have worked for two years, within contexts, to better myself (and others) in social situations which create an image (but behind the scenes, more is at play). 

1. Play Dumb.

Has anybody ever watched the detective shows where over time, the detectives marvellously collect their information, dissecting it, analysing it and finally come to an interesting solution (usually accurate)? As you watch the show, smiling to yourself and knowing "they already know the suspect", yet the detective continues (ever so slyly) to collect more and more information, pretending to not know the answer. Playing dumb, pretending to not understand; building rapport with people. 

This is a great technique and one that works. You basically hold back information, you don't need to blurt out information every ten seconds; you're smart, you're sophisticated, you listen. You can play dumb overtly or play dumb covertly. You can do this by asking questions or pretending to not fully understand what that person is saying. This is a great method for not getting into heated-debates, to avoid narcissists and to insert suggestions into people's minds (with the right contexts).  Tip: Purposefully slow down your speech sometimes, be quieter, pretend you don't understand and look away now and again. Appear nonintellectual, with certain people. 

2. Belief. 

President Kennedy was once asked how he was going to get man on the moon, Kennedy replied "The will to do it". In a nutshell, that is what you need in your mind and your communication. This method is accepted as true by many famous millionaires and billionaires. They all have a subconscious competence about them, even if they do not appear to be intellectual in academic ways. In particular, Donald Trump (President Elect 2016) is one of them; they have a consistent belief, almost an expectation completely and utterly that they will end up on top. This has lead to many failures, because of their complete belief, sometimes delusional, but in the long-term it ended up with some marvellous transactions of business and relationships (ones, even the haters long for).

This is processed in terms of two fundamentals. 1. Your Mind and 2. Your Assertion. You have to completely believe something OR at least come across as you do. You can do this by mind training activities, rehearsal or in speech, by your tonality.

Belief about what, you may ask? The belief system of "I can persuade them and I will". 

3. Hot-Words.

Have you ever clicked open THAT can of soda and noticed the sensation, as it pops, along with the sound? That is a very unique sensation to the soda/energy drink. This is the same with hot-words, you make your hot-words context dependent but they click into action for you and for the other person.

You can use words such as "Imagine", "Now", "Empowering"; or in the negative context, "Maniac", "Sinister" or even "Alarmbells". These hot-words are mainly used in politics. If you were to go back and watch the Brexit debates, the ex-leader of the UKIP party would use fundamentals like these to bring an end to the point he was making (with the correct tonality in relation to the point made).

Apart of a Speech during a European Union interaction with Nigel Farage went something like this "You can continue to ignore the markets but in time the markets will NOT ignore you"; and the same goes for the actual Brexit debates themselves. If you go back to the Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage debates, you will see Hot Words used to trigger unconscious emotions in people. And that is usually why, people see Nigel Farage as marmite. You either love him or hate him. 

In relation to every day activity, you can be a little less political of course and go with well developed structural language patterns. These types of hot words are to invoke an emotion in somebody, in relation to a certain outcome.

These can be used to make a point, build rapport or lead somebody to believe something. An example of this could be, say your friend was talking to you about how their doctors appointment didn't go very well, because their doctor wasn't listening to them. You could completely exaggerate the point, in agreement with them with a statement like "It sounds like that the situation was complete lunacy and your doctor, quite frankly, who isn't anymore, is a complete and utter maniac. I feel like you deserve better than this. I don't understand, I really just, I can't understand why they didn't listen". Of course, it's blown out  of complete proportion, but that is the point.

And you'll build greater rapport with them. You can read that and choose what you feel are the hot-words for you and you can emphasise them in your speech. As you read it, you may not feel like you can say something like that, but actually analyse how you speak anyway; you'll be surprised that yourself and many others speak similar! 

4. Empathy/Understanding.

Over the years, many authors and scientists and philosophers believed that Empathy was the one emotional connection somebody could have, which would bring an opening to complete universal love and prosperity. If you can understand somebodies situation logically AND THEN emotionally involve yourself, in relation to caring, that usually develops very good rapport. 

By identifying people's emotional needs through what they are saying, you can establish very successful relationships. Of course, you have to show this through your communication. 

5. Gifts. 

This is the oldest trick in the book -- if you give, people usually reciprocate. The difference now is, you have to try and make it seem as if you are not manipulating them. And of course, you aren't trying to do that; if you're trying to do that, then this article isn't for you.

It's about persuasion. The reason it isn't complete manipulation, is because it isn't about a sinister intention. You actually DO want a good relationship and you want WIN/WINS (you want them to be happy also).

But, if you are wanting to connect better with people; buy them gifts, give them small gestures of fortune and do not expect anything back. In time, it will be given back (when you least expect it).

6. Break Eye Contact.

As you talk to somebody, if you were to break eye-contact with them and then re-join the eye-contact and then break it again; keeping this up, you establish an unconscious bond which is normality and the person begins to feel safe with thinking around you, without being alerted by their survival mechanism. This is also used by very successful communicators, who want people to follow their lead.

If you can break eye contact, it means you don't need that person; meaning, you have the resources. But, do this accurately, you don't want to come across as too submissive or as if you don't like the person (but sometimes, that can come in handy too -- definitely links to #1). 

7. High Fives. 

When studying rapport, scientists found that haptics in a professional way (a professional physical interaction) was positive and strengthened the rapport. This brings trust, safety and warmth into the person you are communicating with. This does depend on where you are, culturally and obviously, you need to be professional about it. High-Fives are the best way, it's like an "I already know you, WELL DONE" hand shake. 

It also connects to a Pavlovian Conditioning Response theory, where you positively reinforce the person for good work; if that's what you are using it for. 

8. Questions.

Just like the little mouse, gathering their nuts and fruits for the winter; you want to be the person who gathers information properly. Ask questions! And ask reframing questions. Not only will you gather information and challenge people covertly, you will stay in assertion and charge. This is a great tool for gathering accurate facts and opinions from people; keeps you up to date with what people believe. It also shows you're not into just blurting anything out, you want to get to know them, you care.

Asking questions, which connect to what the person is speaking about, shows a high level of emotional intellect and maturity. This does matter! 

9. Own Views.

Along with all this, you must insert your own views in a non-aggressive way. This establishes YOU as an individual and that's what matters here. Become authentic, know who you are and study material you like. Once you've done that, surround yourself with like minded people; or go out and socialise. You can always learn more and maybe, if you know something somebody else doesn't . . . You can teach them!

These are the nine basic bullet points for Old School Persuasion . . . These are taken over the years from several books, interactions with people and viewings of politicians online. These are the nine I use, without even thinking (but once analysed, I realised that is what I do) and they've been working for me ever since.

There is more . . . And a lot of this is to do with Belief on a subconscious level . . . But, these are the nine that are used, to a successful extent!

Remember these nine and you can improve your communication; and remember, as Milton Erickson once said "And my voice will go with you". 

Twitter: @ThatsCorey
Blog: https://www.thatscorey.blogspot.co.uk